


The Noodle Incident

by atamascolily



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Everyone Has Issues, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Inspired By Tumblr, Jedi Training, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-27 22:44:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17775626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atamascolily/pseuds/atamascolily
Summary: "Luke Skywalker thought he knew what he was getting into when he opened an academy to train the next generation of Jedi Knights. After all, he'd been through so much already - losing his hand, his mentors, his aunt and uncle and his father, not to mention countless friends and comrades over the course of the Galactic Civil War. He'd gone head to head against the Death Star, and even the Emperor himself, and lived to tell the tale. Teaching couldn't bethatdifficult, right?"Well. Somewhere out there, Yoda's ghost squatted in some spectral-space swamp, laughing his head off at all the hell Luke's students put him through.Turnabout is fair play, hmmmph, yes?"





	The Noodle Incident

**Author's Note:**

> I stumbled across [an excellent GIF set on tumblr](http://enlistedbros.tumblr.com/post/89070449131/as-you-enjoy-your-weekend-drink-responsibly-and) from the show _Enlisted_ , which seemed to [work very well](https://atamascolily.tumblr.com/post/180313691600/luke-to-his-jedi-students-as-you-enjoy-your) for Luke and some of his students at the Jedi Academy on Yavin. Then I started thinking about what must have happened beforehand to make all those rules necessary, and this fic was the result. 
> 
> On the off-chance that these links might not survive into the future, I've included a copy of my tumblr post at the end.

Luke Skywalker thought he knew what he was getting into when he opened an academy to train the next generation of Jedi Knights. After all, he'd been through so much already - losing his hand, his mentors, his aunt and uncle and his father, not to mention countless friends and comrades over the course of the Galactic Civil War. He'd gone head to head against the Death Star, and even the Emperor himself, and lived to tell the tale. Teaching couldn't be _that_ difficult, right? 

Well. Somewhere out there, Yoda's ghost squatted in some spectral-space swamp, laughing his head off at all the hell Luke's students put him through. _Turnabout is fair play, hmmmph, yes?_

Luke knew what Jedi training was supposed to be like. Sure, there would be whining and complaining from time to time (he'd done his share on Dagobah), not to mention the occasional flare-up of rebellion and personal trauma. It was all a part of the process. Eventually, his students would settle down to become model citizens of the galaxy.

But right now they were pushing him to his limits. 

Kyp Durron started it, of course. The kid looked innocent enough on the outside - deathly pale and wan from a childhood and adolescence of slave labor in the mines of Kessel - and was a prodigy to boot, with a talent for the Force second only to Luke's own. Whether it was lifting rocks or dueling with lightsabers, everything came naturally to Kyp. He was going to be a darn good Jedi Knight someday if Luke didn't murder him first. 

Kyp was and incurable pyromaniac--the bigger, the better. Luke couldn't leave him alone for more than a minute without smoke and flames pouring from yet another person, place, or thing left unattended. And that was on his good days. On the bad ones, he'd use his considerable powers to ignite whole forests or trigger supernovas in distant stars. When caught, he would inevitably claim to be possessed by a ghost hiding in the shadows, egging him on--or a voice in the fire itself, compelling him to destroy everything in his path. 

"It's not _real_ ," Luke would always say in exasperation, before he caught himself. "Okay, well, it _is_ real, but it's not a voice you should listen to, Kyp. That's the dark side talking. You don't have to go down that path." 

"But I want _want_ to watch the world burn..." Kyp said, not paying the slightest bit of attention to him. A nearby bush burst into flames. 

Then there was Tionne. Quiet and tractable, with a passion for music and history, she spent her spare time reading romance novels (not a problem) and playing with the spotted jungle-cat she'd 'adopted' from the rainforest outside (a big problem). She couldn't seem to understand _why_ Li'l Mister Tuggles had to go back to the wild instead of snuggling with her in bed and eating out of her hand. 

"Because it attacked Corran, that's why!" Luke shouted. 

"He had it coming!" Tionne retorted. "He should have _known_ not to put his hand in Mister Tuggles' hiding place and scare him like that--" 

"Tionne, it was an accident--his _arm_ got shredded--" 

"So get him a new one already! That wasn't Mister Tuggles's fault!"

"Tionne, I know you love Mister Tuggles, but he's a wild animal and he can't stay here--" 

"No! He _needs_ me!" 

She wasn't the only one with a troubling relationship with the local wildlife. Streen's hobby was to sit quietly on the Temple steps until flocks of belly-birds gamboled up out of the forest to eat the bait he'd spread for them. Then he would jump out of hiding with a wild scream and chase the terrified avians until they collapsed in exhaustion. Not only was it cruel to the birds, it made getting in or out of the place nearly impossible. 

"Streen, you've got to stop doing this," Luke announced after he'd tripped over a prone belly-bird and nearly broken his neck. "I could have gotten seriously hurt this way, and it's not fair to the birds, either--" 

Streen shook his head and refused to make eye contact. "They're mocking me. I'll show them. I'll show them all! You just wait, Master Skywalker--you'll see I'm right about this someday--" 

_Are all of my students insane?_ Luke thought, as the older man stalked away in his disheveled robes, muttering gibberish to himself.

Dorsk 81 had a habit of leaving unwanted 'gifts' in awkward places. The worst part was that the Khommian didn't even try to deny it. Even using his Jedi powers of persuasion, it would have been a hard sell, as the dung was as bright green as his skin and stank to high heaven. 

"Damn it, Dorsk! Do your business in the 'fresher like the rest of us!" Luke shouted, coming around the corner to find yet another steaming pile in the passageway. 

Dorsk 81 didn't even bother to look up from his holocron. "Whatever you say, Master Skywalker." 

"That's what you said the _last_ time!"

"What else do you want me to say? Shit happens." 

Corran Horn scammed an old Caamasi couple out of their fortune by using his natural talent for casting illusions to convince them he was their long-lost grandson Eg'ros. It may have impressed his father-in-law Booster Terrik and given him considerable street cred among his wife Mirax's smuggler pals, but Luke was not amused when he found out. 

"A Jedi uses his powers for knowledge and defense-- _never_ for personal gain, Corran!" 

The Corellian's arm had healed remarkably well after Mister Tuggles's attack, but he was still skittish and watched the shadows carefully in case of another attack. "They _love_ me. Why shouldn't I do it if it makes them happy?" 

"Corran, don't you have _any_ shame?" 

Corran thought for a moment and shook his head. "Nope. Lost it after my first year in CorSec. Too much of a bother. Why, is that a problem?" 

Once upon a time, Kam Solusar had gone to the Dark Side and tried to murder Luke. But once he'd returned to the light, he was a model student, and Luke wished the others would follow his example. Sure, Kam had shown questionable judgment by marrying Tionne as part of a bet, but Luke had heard of worse ways to begin a relationship and the two of them seemed to be remarkably happy with each other. It helped that Mister Tuggles seemed to _like_ Kam, at least enough not to attack him--or maybe Kam's reflexes were better than Corran's. 

Yes, Luke thought, the rest of his students ought to be like Kam and keep their oddities confined to their personal lives instead of dragging them into their training. 

At least, that's what he thought until he walked into the mess hall for lunch to find an all-out brawl-turned-food-fight in progress. 

Maybe it was because it was noodle casserole day. Or maybe Kyp had set something on fire he shouldn't have, or Tionne had filched a choice tidbit for Mister Tuggles off his plate. Regardless, Luke arrived just in time to see Kam sent a heaping platter hurtling through the air with the power of his Force--straight into Corran's face. After that, it was all-out war. Noodles flew in every direction as Dorsk 81 threw his own plate up as a shield, and Tionne ducked under the table. Matters were not improved by Mister Tuggles rushing to his mistress's aid and joining the fray. 

"STOP! ALL OF YOU, _STOP_!"

Everything and everyone froze--not that they had much choice in the matter. Corran was caught halfway into a punch, his fist inches from Streen's face, and Kam clutched his head to shield it from a platter that never reached him. Noodles (some of them on fire) hung suspended in mid-air, defying the law of gravity--as did Mister Tuggles. 

Luke spoke into the silence, his voice ladened with ice. "Go to your rooms, all of you. I want you to stop and _think_ about what you're doing and why you're here. I know I've been pretty laid back in letting you do your own thing, but from now on, we're going to have a lot more rules. Break any of them, and you'll regret it. Do I make myself clear?" 

He gestured, and gravity resumed its normal course. The floating plate dropped with a clatter on the table, millimeters from Kam's skull and Corran missed Streen by a similar margin. Noodles fell out of the air, festooning the students with cream sauce as the flames winked out of existence. Even Mister Tuggles cowered before the Jedi Master's display of temper. 

Without another word, the students fled. 

"What was _that_ all about?" Mara Jade said from the doorway when the dust had settled. 

Luke shook his head. Of all the days for her to show up on a supply run and witness this latest disaster-- "You don't want to know." 

"Oh, really?" She scanned the empty mess hall, eyeing the remains on the floor with distaste. "Honestly, I hate noodle casserole, too. It's one reason I don't stick around, Skywalker." 

"I am going to _kill_ them. I am going to kill _all_ of them--" 

Mara shook her head. "You're all talk. Just read 'em the riot act tomorrow and show some backbone in enforcing it. They'll come along." 

"I am going to be up all _night_ compiling that list. _Why_ are they like this?"

She waved away his concern. "Oh, you'll be fine. At least they're not, I don't know, blowing up planets or something--" 

He bit his lip. "Yeah. Right. I'll be sure to include that in the list, too. Who knew 'don't commit genocide' would be right next to 'don't defecate in the hallways'?" 

She thought he was joking. She didn't know what he knew about Kyp, which was probably just as well. "Skywalker, I don't envy you one bit. But I am going to stick around long enough to hear your speech. If that's a sample of the new rules for this place, the looks on their faces are going to be _priceless_."

"Fine," Luke said. "But I warn you, it's going to take a long time to read them all out..."

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the #incorrect star wars legends quote that inspired this fic (original source: _Enlisted_ ):
>
>> Luke, to his Jedi students: As you enjoy your weekend, drink responsibly and don’t get into fights. I wish that were the end of my safety briefing, but your history dictates otherwise. So.. here we go.  
> Luke: Do not start fires. Do not touch fires. Do not do things fire tells you to do.  
> Kyp: *quietly* What if it's real persuasive?  
> Luke: *ignores him* Do not take in a feral animal and try to raise it as a house pet.  
> Tionne: *quietly* What if it's real persuasive?  
> Luke: *ignores her* Do not taunt the marsh birds.  
> Streen: *looks uncomfortable*  
> Luke: Do not defecate in a library drop box.  
> Dorsk 81: *rolls his eyes, says nothing*  
> Luke: Do not get married on a bet.  
> Kam and Tionne: *eye one another sheepishly*  
> Luke: *to Corran* Do not convince an old Caamasi couple you are their grandson Eg'ros .  
> Corran: They said I had an adorable punim.  
> Luke: And, finally, food goes in your mouth and not anywhere else.  
> Kam: What about--  
> Luke: NOT anywhere else!


End file.
